The Parent Trap

Characteristics of a 'Stepford Mom from Hell'

1. Talks about the baby all the time - the baby has a rash, the baby has grown some teeth, the baby can smile, the baby has a cute burp, the baby's first day out, the baby's first time in a restaurant, the baby's first solid meal, the baby the baby the baby...

2. Takes photos of the baby's every move - pooing, grinning, staring, sleeping, waking up, eating, smiling, pooing, turning over, blinking, breathing, have I mentioned pooing?

3. Sterilizes every thing that will come in contact with the baby's mouth or fingers.

4. Uses anti-bacterial handwash before touching the baby and insists that other people do the same.

5. Reads books by Miriam Stoppard and Dr Spock voraciously and constantly quotes from chapter title and page number.

6. When talking to friends, indiscreetly diverts conversation back to own baby.

7. Buys clothes from Baby Gap that fits perfectly despite knowing that the baby will grow out of it in less than 2 months.

8. Has a strict daily routine AND talks about it constantly.

9. Blogs or posts status updates about the baby every day and includes photos of baby pooing, smiling, sitting, sleeping, eating, turning over, (have I mentioned pooing?)

10. Speaks with a range of vocabulary that mainly consists of 'baby', 'poo' and 'sleep'.

Don't get me wrong - I have 2 kids myself, but I don't really like to talk about them much unless someone brings it up in a conversation. I feel that as much as I love my children, there is more to life than just being their parents 24/7. From my experience, children truly appreciate the 'quality' time spent with them rather than the 'quantity'. It is true that they demand their parents' constant attention when they are between 0 - 2 years old. Isn't it enough that they already consume us physically and emotionally every day for these 2 years without us having to bring them up in conversation all the time?

An example of a typical conversation between me and another mother:

Mother: "My son could read when he was 9 months/1 year/1.5 years/ 1.85 years old."

Me: "Oh really? Hey, did you catch the news about the earthquake in Haiti?"

Mother: "Yes I did. My son saw it too and said mommy, what's a escake? He was so cute!"

Me: "Wow - hey, what did you do last night? Did you watch Glee? It was hilarious - Mr Schue was so afraid of Rachel because..."

Mother: "No I didn't because my son had funny tummy and vomitted all night."

Me: "Oh no, that's awful. I had a stomach ache the other day and had to be rushed to the hospital. Apparently it was food poisoning."

Mother: "Yes, that happened to my eldest daughter too. She was in hospital for nearly 2 days. It was horrible."

Me: "So what are your plans for the summer holidays? It's your wedding anniversary then right? Where are you planning to go with your husband?"

Mother: "Maybe to Disneyland with the children. My son loves Mickey Mouse and my daughter is so into Hannah Montana and wants to see her live."

So anyway, this is the point when I politely excuse myself and run screaming in the opposite direction. I don't really understand why a lot of women fall into this trap! What happens is that they devote all their time and energy into their kids that they forget that they were once a single and whole human being whose needs were only their own and could talk about the world's hunger crisis without batting an eyelid. But suddenly post baby, all they can drone on about is 'my son, my daughter, my eldest, my youngest'. Further examples listed below:

"My daughter said 'Mama' when she was 9 months/1 year/1.5 years/ 1.85 years old."

"My son started walking when he was 9 months/1 year/1.5 years/1.85 years old."

"My daughter was toilet-trained when she was 9 months/1 year/1.5 years/ 1.85 years old."

Is this what our lives and vocabulary have digressed to? Seriously girls, wake up and smell the 'poo'. Children are their own beings. They stop belonging to us the minute they were born. Our role in their lives is to be their guidance counsellor and help them go through life with confidence. Don't instill our insecurities in our children. They love us unconditionally, so let's not force ourselves on them. All we have to do is be there for them. When they really need us. And they will.